Handling Alienation from Family for Your Decision to Homeschool
- rstinson10
- 2 days ago
- 8 min read
When you homeschool and tell others that you do so, it is not uncommon to encounter rude comments and questions from strangers. It is also common to experience it from your family as well.
Why is homeschooling such a hot-button issue right now?
We are in the middle of an "education revolution". Just as during the civil war, it was common for "brother to be against brother". That is, when you choose to homeschool, friends and family may not be supportive of your decision. Society has been enabling a failing public school system to continue for so long, it actually makes people uncomfortable when they meet someone doing something different and opting out.
And as you probably are aware, the public school system is making the news every day for the serious problems that are part of this system. We are paying for these problems with our taxes and they are happening in our neighborhood, close to home. The curriculum is "R" rated, predator teachers are getting arrested, violence between students is occurring often, bullying is common and often results in suicide or homicide, school bus accidents: these and other similar failures are making the news daily.
Even though homeschooling has been around for hundreds of years, it has become especially popular within the last few years. As a result, homeschooling has also gotten the attention of legislators, some of whom are attempting to reduce or remove the right to homeschool. Anti-homeschooling states are frequently changing and restricting homeschool freedoms, affecting how regular homeschool moms and days homeschool freely.
Please Note
This post is a sensitive topic. Please know that it was written out of love. We hope this post helps you navigate possible changes to your relationship-dynamic with your family when you decide to homeschool. Remember to keep the peace as you are able on your end.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18
Not all questions about homeschooling come from a place of criticism or rudeness.
Some of them might be genuine curiosity about what homeschooling is really like. There are still many misconceptions and lies being told about homeschooling in the media, (a favorite being: "What about socialization?"), and many people are simply parroting what they've heard on TV. Or, the person you are interacting with may be considering it for their own family and you might be in a position to help them on their homeschool journey. At the very least, you can help to dispel their misconceptions. So be prepared for that as well.
One common thing people say to me is this.
Other mom: "I could never homeschool"
My response: "Homeschooling is easier than people think. We can sleep in, there are no bullies or bad influences, gymnastics count as school. We excel further in education, due to the 1:1 focus. Homeschooling is peaceful. If you have any other questions about it, I would be happy to chat".
If you or someone you know is planning to homeschool, here are some tips to get started.
Being Alienated by Extended Family Members
Ideally, when you make a decision that your extended family disagrees with (whether it is homeschool related or not), boundaries must still be respected. In a perfect world, you would not experience any level of animosity during your interactions and holiday gatherings, which should be peaceful and fun. We sincerely hope you are able to achieve that goal.
Unfortunately, this is not the case with some family members, and as a homeschool family, you may experience hostility and rude comments from your relatives for your decision to homeschool. Know that such comments and criticism come from a place of insecurity in those who make them: such individuals know of the terrible things that have and are still occurring in the public school system and they may feel that your decision is a criticism of their lifestyle choices. Psychologically, they may be seeking to justify their acceptance of a system that they know (at a deeper level) is failing and harming our children. You can rise above these sentiments by setting boundaries, telling the truth, and not backing down.
Here are some examples of how we set boundaries when interacting with extended family:
Do not tolerate disrespect -- in any form
When someone feels insecure in their own beliefs, they often express that insecurity by subtly attacking others in small, often petty, ways. You can know that someone is "picking" at your beliefs or attempt to alienate you from others, when you get a feeling of being slighted by the extra comments or information someone adds. That is, people who are deceptive or feel anger often make additional statements or offer extra unnecessary information to try to gain the social alignment with others in their deception. You'll know this by: 1) they added something "extra" that didn't need to be said and feels targeted towards you, and 2) it feels disrespectful.
When this occurs, go to an extreme immediately (this is called "brinksmanship"). Immediately respond to them overtly with a reasoned argument, calling them out: they only get away with disrespect because others have let their behavior pass. Acting according to the rules of social courtesy doesn't work when someone is operating in bad faith, and you can deter such persons by being strong in your words.
Here are some ways to interject confidently:
And look them in the eye when you say it. Most of the time, they will back down.
And if they continue to "push" the conversation and become argumentative, then end the discussion: "you know, you and I obviously disagree, so how about we change the subject."
And look them in the eye when you say it.
Do not enter a scenario where you can be manipulated: have an "out"
People who violate boundaries often try to manipulate the circumstances so that they can control what's going on. You can be fairly easily detect when such a circumstance might occur by your own feelings. For example, visiting extended family in their house instead of yours: if you're in their house, they set the rules and it will make you feel uncomfortable -- so don't do that. Make sure your visits occur at your home or in a public place. Another example: engaging without a means of leaving (such as not having available transportation). If a critical uncle or parent can keep you hostage simply by delaying you from leaving (which allows them to hold you in a situation that you're uncomfortable with) they can control you.
Script your conversations that may involve sensitive subjects
Its normal for family members to want to discuss things that concern others; however, its not normal for an extended family member to bring up a subject to pressure or coerce you, especially when it involves parenting. To prepare for sensitive subjects (such as homeschooling), you can prepare a script to handle the conversation when a boundary is violated. For instance, an extended family might open a subject of conversation about high school sports and how some kids will “miss out". You can be ready with a response that ends the discussion: "There's so many others ways to do sports these days... that's not a real issue."
Here are some other hints. The concept of "boundaries" in relationships is a huge subject, but here's some quick ideas:
Discuss with your spouse what the limits are beforehand: what topics of conversation are acceptable or unacceptable? What things won't you tolerate?
Don't let people get physically close in speaking with you. Often, people that violate other people's boundaries apply pressure with their physical proximity.
Take a breath -- a moment to blink -- before responding. Then respond calmly after you think about what is being said. People often trap others in their emotional reactions. They probably know how to push your buttons.
Don't allow the drinking of alcohol in such situations. Alcohol not only reduces people's reasoning skills and causes them to act in ways they wouldn't normally act, but it also gives people an excuse for acting-out.
And if all else fails: cut off contact for increasing periods of time each time that they violate your boundaries. It will send a message that their conduct is not welcome, even if you weren't able to do so in person.
Tips on Celebrating Holidays with your Extended Family
Consider making changes to traditions. Holidays are what you make of it. You don't have to continue participating in activities that you don't want to do. If you don't like Uncle Joe being Santa Claus, don't attend in the first place.
It's OK if it's a small group with no extended family at the table. Celebrating holidays might mean getting together with friends or celebrating with just your spouse and your children instead of participating in a large, stressful gathering.
Consider hosting. Hosting holiday gatherings at your home means you have more control over the activities, menu, time frame, and guest list.
Have an out. If things get too bad, be ready to get your things and leave early. Have a back- up meal planned for holidays where many fast food restaurants and grocery stores are closed. If you are hosting be prepared to ask people to leave, either in a nice way or during a hostile situation with firm force.
Redirect conversations by having photos and stories ready. Bring out your child's instrument. Show photos of your latest vacation. Have some talking points ready.
Have things to do during down time. Bring a bag of coloring books, a board game, fidgets and other screen free things for you and your children to focus on instead of "hanging out". Idle time is a devils handy work. If everyone is mostly hanging out, people are going to gravitate towards engaging in rude behavior.
You might not be from a close knit family,
but a close knit family can come from you.
If you have been alienated by your family or have gone "no contact" with them, it is important to strengthen the bonds you have with the relatives that are in your corner. You might have few relatives who are close and respect your decision. Nuture those relationsips. This includes your children and your spouse.
Teach your children to be friends with each other. Teach them boundaries and to play safely together.
Be intentional about how you parent and work to develop a healthy parent/child relationship with your children. Play a board game once in a while. Take them to a Hibachi restaurant sometime. Take them on field trips.
Consider making the time to visit with relatives outside of holidays. One benefit of homeschooling is that you have a more flexible schedule to accommodate trips like this.
Have a regular date night with your spouse. Cultivate and nurture your friendship outside the day to day commitments of work, school and chores.
Hire a nanny instead of using relatives to babysit
Many families (homeschooling or not) benefit from "free" childcare from grandparents or other relatives. In the homeschool world, it is also common for extended families to help teach homeschool lessons occasionally. Unfortunately, this is not the case with all families.
What if you don't have a relationship like that with your children's grandparents? Also, If your children's grandparents are making frequent comments about your decision to homeschool, it is likely they will undermine you while caring for your children.
If you do not have family support, what would you do if you and your husband need to deal with a medical emergency and need emergency childcare? During your homeschool career you might also still need part time or on- call childcare for date night, going to the dentist or as a substitute teacher so you can have a sick day. Click to read our article about the many benefits of in home childcare and why this is a good solution.
Our homeschool community thrives when we help each other.
Be the village.
It does not help anyone if we are experiencing alienation within our own homeschool community. We must help each other by participate in meal trains, voting pro- homeschool and supporting businesses that cater to homeschoolers. Theses are all great ways to be the village. Click to see our article about other practical ways to support and help the homeschool community.
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